<!DOCTYPE html>
<html>
<head>
<meta charset="UTF-8">
<title>If You Hold Me Without Hurting Me, You’ll Be the First Who Ever Did by cmere</title>
<style type="text/css">

body { background-color: #ffffff; }
.CI {
text-align:center;
margin-top:0px;
margin-bottom:0px;
padding:0px;
}
.center   {text-align: center;}
.cover    {text-align: center;}
.full     {width: 100%; }
.quarter  {width: 25%; }
.smcap    {font-variant: small-caps;}
.u        {text-decoration: underline;}
.bold     {font-weight: bold;}
</style>
</head>
<body>
<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23507281">If You Hold Me Without Hurting Me, You’ll Be the First Who Ever Did</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/cmere/pseuds/cmere'>cmere</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Red White &amp; Royal Blue - Casey McQuiston</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Anal Sex, Bottom Henry, Boys In Love, Emotions, Henry Pov, M/M, Porn with Feelings, alex calling henry baby, henry calling alex love, so it's a wee bit angsty</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-04-06</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-04-06</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-01 12:07:58</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Explicit</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,007</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23507281</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/cmere/pseuds/cmere</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p><i>Henry feels himself aching for Alex—</i>this<i> Alex, the one who’s at home in Texas, the one who’s vulnerable and free—and he sees the ache reflected in Alex’s eyes.</i></p>
<p>The first night they spend at the lake house, before Alex wakes up with Henry's swimsuit tangled around his elbow.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Alex Claremont-Diaz/Henry Fox-Mountchristen-Windsor</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>89</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>502</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>If You Hold Me Without Hurting Me, You’ll Be the First Who Ever Did</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p><a href="https://vkelleyart.tumblr.com/">vkelleyart</a> posted <a href="https://vkelleyart.tumblr.com/post/614431479166107648/this-is-not-a-good-model-for-social-distancing">this absolutely stunning drawing of Alex and Henry at the lake house</a>, which gave me lots of feelings and inspired me to write something examining the emotions Henry must have experienced that weekend (through smut, of course). Thanks soo much to len and bibliosoph for reading this over and encouraging me and giving me title help!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Alex is different at the lake house.</p>
<p>The version of Alex that shows up in Texas is gentle. Eager. Relaxed. Relaxed in a way that Henry’s never seen him before, loose-limbed and loose-tongued, careful to listen instead of rushing to speak. He’s confident, but not with the cocky swagger he carries around as America’s Golden Boy, First Son of the United States—confident in that he’s connected to the earth, grounded in his roots, present in this moment. He knows not only where he wants to go, but where he came from and where he is. <i>Who</i> he is.</p>
<p>Henry can feel it in the way Alex kisses him, his fingers on Henry’s jaw as soft as the breeze whispering over the water. He can see it in Alex’s eyes, glimmering and serene as he watches June pluck at the guitar. And he can hear it in Alex’s voice when he pushes Henry into the bedroom, both of them drunk on sangria and laughing, and says, suddenly rough and needy, “<i>Baby</i>.”</p>
<p>Henry almost can’t stand hearing him like that; it scrapes at something raw inside him that he’s spent too long trying to bury. So he pins Alex against the closed door and kisses him instead. Alex is wide open, there for the taking, his mouth eager and his body pliant and giving. Henry wants everything he’s offering, everything he has.</p>
<p>“Fuck,” Alex gasps when Henry drags his lips down Alex’s neck, catches his teeth on Alex’s throat. Henry’s collared shirt hangs open at his sides and Alex’s hands fist in it, pulling him close. Henry gives it right back, fingers threaded in Alex’s curls and tugging. Henry inhales deeply through his nose, a mix of smoke from the fire and lakewater from a day’s worth of swimming invading his senses. He takes a step back and Alex follows, their bodies in tune, unwilling to break apart. He takes another, and another, until Alex has him pressed up against the post of the bunk bed, at which point the reality of the bed situation sinks in.</p>
<p>“How are we going to do this?” Henry murmurs against Alex’s lips, palming his ass so that Alex is pushing up into him. Alex nudges his thighs apart and finds friction at the perfect spot between them, a high-pitched whine escaping his throat. It turns Henry on so much that he thinks maybe they don’t even need to bother with the bed.</p>
<p>Alex tears Henry’s shirt off, then shoves at his hips, bodily forcing him to fold into the bottom bunk. Henry feels the wood of the bed frame brush his hair as he falls back and he cringes—a narrow miss. Alex pulls his own shirt off and climbs in after him, recreating the position they were in standing but pressing down with gravity behind him now. Henry moans.</p>
<p>“Shhh,” Alex shushes him with a smirk. Henry wants to wipe it off his face, so he slides his hands under Alex’s swim trunks and grabs his ass again, this time skin against skin. His elbow bangs against the wall in the process, but he barely notices, and Alex doesn’t seem to care much either, because he’s kissing Henry, mouth open, tonguing him deep. Henry’s overwhelmed by all of his senses, the fruity, alcoholic taste of Alex’s lips, the sound of their mouths moving together in the otherwise quiet stillness. Alex is grinding down against Henry hard, his fingers pressed into different parts of Henry’s neck, his chest bearing down on Henry’s chest. The collective sensation of Alex all over him lights up Henry’s entire body, nerve endings singing.</p>
<p>Alex brings his mouth to Henry’s ear and sucks on his earlobe before whispering, “I want all of you.”</p>
<p>Henry knows what that means, and arousal pools, hot, in his groin. Since the first time Alex fucked him in L.A., the mere thought of Alex pressing inside him sends shivers down his spine. Henry looks at him.</p>
<p>“Have me,” Henry says, his voice hoarse. The expression that crosses Alex’s face in response is so loving that it makes his heart clench. He rolls his hips under Alex; Alex is the one who cries out this time, and Henry grins as he shushes him.</p>
<p>Alex moves to sit up and immediately bangs his head on the top bunk. The curse he yells is just as loud as the thunk of his skull slamming into hard wood. Henry can’t stop himself from laughing a little, met with Alex’s glare. The entire thing is utterly ridiculous, two grown men tucked into a tiny bottom bunk, but it feels different than all the other ridiculous scenarios they’ve found themselves in, somehow. Henry feels himself aching for Alex—<i>this</i> Alex, the one who’s at home in Texas, the one who’s vulnerable and free—and he sees the ache reflected in Alex’s eyes.  </p>
<p>Alex rubs the back of his head briefly, then picks up rocking back and forth on top of Henry, head dipped low. Henry grips his thighs, his thumbs pressing slow circles into them. Alex locks eyes on him and wordlessly scoots himself back, tugging his swim trunks down as he goes. He manages to wriggle out of his shorts, kicking his feet into the wall, and catches the waistband of Henry’s, too, pulling them down with him. Henry lifts up one leg at a time, trying to free himself in the cramped space, and then Alex is rummaging around on the floor before he moves back up to the head of the bed. He turns Henry onto his side and slides in behind him, kissing his neck, his earlobe, his shoulder, his spine. Henry can feel Alex’s cock press into the cleft of his ass, making him shiver.</p>
<p>When Alex’s wet fingers find his hole, Henry’s breathing turns shallow and rapid. He tries to spread himself open for Alex as wide as possible, and Alex rewards him with the slow and insistent press inside him. Henry turns his face into the pillow and bites it, willing himself to stay quiet, his cock hard and achingly untouched. He loves this, has always loved this, but there’s something about Alex doing it that makes it that much more intense, like every sensation is magnified times ten.</p>
<p>Alex is at his ear, murmuring, “You feel so good, so tight for me, I can’t wait to fuck you, sweetheart, I love the way you feel around me,” his hand speeding up, making Henry feel the stretch and press inside him. Heat prickles up Henry’s cheeks, his toes curling as Alex makes him quiver from the inside out. Henry reaches behind him, getting a hand around the back of Alex’s neck and gripping tight.</p>
<p>“Go on, then,” Henry says, breathless, turning his face up for a messy, open-mouthed kiss. Alex is holding him close, up against his back, making him sweat. For a minute, they stay like that, Alex’s fingers stilled deep inside Henry while he fucks Henry’s mouth with his tongue. When Henry moans and grinds back against him, Alex seems to remember what he was supposed to be doing. He pulls his fingers out and uses them to keep Henry’s thighs nudged apart, until Henry feels Alex’s cock pressing up against him. He throws his head back to Alex’s shoulder and Alex nuzzles closer to him, so they’re cheek to cheek, panting together in the quiet night.</p>
<p>The stretch burns in Henry’s thighs as Alex seats himself deep within him. When Alex starts thrusting, Henry’s body rocks back and forth with him, and Alex’s hand snakes around his waist, palm spread wide over Henry’s stomach. It feels like Alex is touching every part of him. He wants to see Alex’s face, but at the same time, he’s scared of what he might find, so he lets his eyes flutter closed, imagining it instead—imagining they’re just two normal boys, that they’re allowed to have this, that Henry can look into Alex’s eyes when Alex is deep inside him and say, <i>I love you</i>, and not be so, so afraid of Alex loving him back. </p>
<p>“That’s so good, love,” Henry murmurs instead, and Alex whimpers into his ear, speeding up the movement of his hips. Henry’s hand comes to rest on top of Alex’s, twining their fingers together on his abdomen. Alex holds him so tight, like he’s worried about him slipping away.</p>
<p>“Henry,” Alex gasps, and Henry responds by tilting his chin up, mouth brushing Alex’s jaw. It’s all Henry wants, all Henry has ever wanted, here in Alex’s arms, and it feels too good to be true, too perfect to be real. Alex is fucking him hard and deep, like he can’t get close enough, and maybe he can’t. Henry wants all of Alex, all the time.</p>
<p>Alex presses his forehead against Henry’s neck. Henry holds back every single curse word he wants to yell, tries to quiet his grunts and moans, focuses on the sounds of their bodies, on the way each thrust seems to force the air out of Alex’s lungs, on Alex’s lips forming silent words against his skin. Alex slides their joined hands down Henry’s stomach and takes hold of Henry’s cock, Henry’s hand covering them both. Alex fucks Henry in time with quick jerks of his wrist and the pleasure intensifies, concentrating in Henry’s groin. Then Alex bites into the sensitive spot where Henry’s neck meets his shoulder, and it’s too much; Henry spills in his hand, his hips snapping back to meet Alex’s cock, tightening around him as he rides out the intense wave rushing through his body. Alex groans loud and Henry reaches up to cover Alex’s mouth with his fingers, letting Alex suck two of them in to shut him up. Alex stills, and Henry can feel Alex pulsing inside him as he comes.</p>
<p>Alex’s body, taut with tension, relaxes as he slowly slides out of Henry. Henry rolls onto his back, replacing his fingers with his mouth and meeting Alex in a kiss. When Alex pulls back, it’s like his expression is written in another language; Henry can see it says so much, but it’s indecipherable to him. He wants so badly to ask, but pushes the desire down, shoves it into the place he keeps everything he feels about Alex but can never say.</p>
<p>Alex’s shaky hand strokes Henry’s hair, the side of his face. Henry reaches up to do the same to Alex. They look and look at each other in the darkness until their breathing evens out, until Alex blinks lazily in the way that means he’s actually tired.</p>
<p>“So,” Alex murmurs, finally looking down, “my dad may have mentioned us sleeping in separate beds. It’s a Catholic thing.”</p>
<p>Henry laughs harder than he intends, a physical manifestation of the force of emotion built up in his body. “I can take the top bunk.”</p>
<p>“I can,” Alex argues sleepily, his head on the pillow now, eyes drifting closed. Henry kisses his forehead, then sits up carefully, finding a shirt to wipe them both up. He laughs again when he sees his swimsuit didn’t make it any farther than caught around Alex’s elbow, and his heart pangs in his chest.</p>
<p>“Good night, love,” Henry whispers, trailing his fingers over Alex's cheek before he gets up and looks for his pajamas. He feels shaky, sensitive and throbbing, as he pulls them on, then climbs carefully up to the top bunk.</p>
<p>Henry listens to Alex’s slow, steady breathing and wills himself to sleep, but all he can think about is the intensity of Alex’s eyes, that inscrutable look on his face. He can smell Alex all over him, on his skin and in his hair. Suddenly, the reality of his feelings and his fear of what’s simmering below the surface hits him like a punch. His heart starts pounding hard and heavy in his chest; he runs shaky hands through his hair, presses his fingers into his closed eyes.</p>
<p>Henry doesn’t fall asleep for a long time.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Comments are amazing! Find me on tumblr: <a href="https://omgcmere.tumblr.com/">cmere</a></p></blockquote></div></div>
</body>
</html>